Nostalgia.

I've always searched for the intoxicating, crazy, all consuming sort of love.
But if it is all consuming, I lose myself. I lose my hopes and dreams. I lose my personality.
Because all of my hopes and dreams revolve around the one I love. And my personality grows to the person I spend all of my time with.

Are relationships really "meant to be" in your twenties?

Are all of the married and child-bearing people my age the lucky ones, or the unlucky ones?

Just some thoughts.
I am going through old pictures and rediscovering music I used to like.
I am noticing I disappear into my relationships.
Am I not good at being single because I am meant to be in a relationship, or am I just unable to be without one?

first song i've written since the last time

if i could get inside my head

pull out every memory we ever had

and every feeling once attached

i'd throw every single song and dance

all the late night conversations

burn every x and o

every picture perfect time

because time amounts to nothing

when a year's erased in weeks

when you look into her eyes

do you ever see me baby?

does the matching name

taste familiar on your tongue?

call me fucking crazy but,

the story sounds all too similar

because

it happened in one night

i melted at those green eyes

you took everything away from me

all my effort was in you

yeah, we said three words too early on

drove you around inside my car

we'd fight until we'd cry

make up, break up, bleed it out

i loved you too hard

i can curse your name a million times

i can cry until i break

but the end result's the same

'cause it's her where your days waste away

i don't want the memories

someone take away the tears

wish i could forget your name

wish i could forget the year

when you hold her in your arms

does my warmth ring a bell baby?

when you're alone at night

do you ever remember us?

call me fucking crazy but,

i really thought you felt the same

because

it happened in one night

i melted at those green eyes

you took everything away from me

all my effort was in you

yeah, we said three words too early on

drove you around inside my car

we'd fight until we'd cry

make up, break up, bleed it out

i loved you too hard

i should just move on, they say

i should just let go

the way you did that night with her

despite every lie you told

i wish i were as cold as you

when you wake up every morning

is it her on your mind baby?

when you flash that smile at her

does she understand the depth?

call me fucking crazy, but

i still hope you're happy

'cause

it happened in one night

i melted at those green eyes

you took everything away from me

all my effort was in you

yeah, we said three words too early on

drove you around inside my car

we'd fight until we'd cry

make up, break up, bleed it out

i loved you too hard

i miss you too far

starting over.

Too scared to read over my last blogs.
We got back together, broke up again, got back together again... the cycle continued.
Until on what would have been our year anniversary, he met another girl. And immediately jumped into a relationship with her.
This was a month ago.
They are together, and they say they are happy, and already appear extremely serious.

I have not heard from him.
The ending was very bad due to my own crazy actions.
I have been stalking her Facebook, hoping to see any aspect of his new life, praying she's a rebound and they will not work out.
Yesterday I finally opted to delete that Facebook (she has me blocked on my main account). I am trying so hard not to reopen the account to look.
Because no matter what I do, I know we were unhappy, and she makes him happy now.

I was miserable with him and I am miserable without him.
He has deleted me off of all social media, except for Skype. We are both constantly logged on to Skype.
It is my last remaining connection to him.
It is the last thread I can't cut.

I miss him every single day, but I am not allowing myself to contact him again.
It is different this time. He has a new love. He will not be coming back.

Regardless of me praying that he will miss me when he sees I am happy without him, I know this time is different.
He is a smart man and realizes we were not going to work.
Yet it still astounds me how rushed his new relationship is. But his friends say he is happy. And she seems beyond happy.

There is nothing I can do.
And there is nothing more I can say.
So from here on out, this blog is about me. Not about my ex's.
Because there is a version of me that exists without a man in my life, and it is something better than this.