losing myself

I don't know what to say.

I just want to write.

I want to stop missing him. This is a year and a half of delayed emotion.

Where did you go

I need you now

You shaped me,

made me,

Gave me life

You fucked me,

Loved me,

Broke me down

I'm just typing

When did you give up on me again

And why did I let myself let you

How crazy did you make me

Or am I to blame

I withheld myself for years

Bit my tongue and kept me quiet

So maybe you would stay

Birthday blues.

It's my birthday. Today I am 22 years old.

I went out drinking last night with some friends. Today I have laid around all day. One of my friends bought me lunch, and I am going out to dinner with my father in a little while.
I have received lots of happy birthday messages on Facebook and a few through text.

All in all, I feel as though I should be happy for the little things.

But I'm not.

I feel very empty. My life feels very empty.

I have friends, but I am unsure how much I would see them if I quit drinking.

I was about to type a lot of first world, spoiled girl problems, but I chose to delete them.

I don't know. I just feel like I am alive and that is it.

It hasn't been a good birthday. But it hasn't been a bad one. I don't hate my life. I don't really like it either.

I had somebody who loved me for everything that I was. Well, really, he obviously did not and that is why he's gone, but I felt as though he did. And I chose to act like I was single all of the time instead.

I don't want to need a relationship to complete me. I want to be independent.

But I feel empty without one. I feel like at the end of the day, it's just me. Which it is.

But I don't really like me. I guess I don't dislike me, either, but who am I? What is there to me?

I have no goals. I drink a lot. I haven't accomplished much of anything.

I wouldn't want to date me if I were somebody else.

I wouldn't want to be me if I had the choice.

I don't even know what I want to do to improve my life.

I just want to find meaning, to have a purpose.

Nostalgia.

I've always searched for the intoxicating, crazy, all consuming sort of love.
But if it is all consuming, I lose myself. I lose my hopes and dreams. I lose my personality.
Because all of my hopes and dreams revolve around the one I love. And my personality grows to the person I spend all of my time with.

Are relationships really "meant to be" in your twenties?

Are all of the married and child-bearing people my age the lucky ones, or the unlucky ones?

Just some thoughts.
I am going through old pictures and rediscovering music I used to like.
I am noticing I disappear into my relationships.
Am I not good at being single because I am meant to be in a relationship, or am I just unable to be without one?

first song i've written since the last time

if i could get inside my head

pull out every memory we ever had

and every feeling once attached

i'd throw every single song and dance

all the late night conversations

burn every x and o

every picture perfect time

because time amounts to nothing

when a year's erased in weeks

when you look into her eyes

do you ever see me baby?

does the matching name

taste familiar on your tongue?

call me fucking crazy but,

the story sounds all too similar

because

it happened in one night

i melted at those green eyes

you took everything away from me

all my effort was in you

yeah, we said three words too early on

drove you around inside my car

we'd fight until we'd cry

make up, break up, bleed it out

i loved you too hard

i can curse your name a million times

i can cry until i break

but the end result's the same

'cause it's her where your days waste away

i don't want the memories

someone take away the tears

wish i could forget your name

wish i could forget the year

when you hold her in your arms

does my warmth ring a bell baby?

when you're alone at night

do you ever remember us?

call me fucking crazy but,

i really thought you felt the same

because

it happened in one night

i melted at those green eyes

you took everything away from me

all my effort was in you

yeah, we said three words too early on

drove you around inside my car

we'd fight until we'd cry

make up, break up, bleed it out

i loved you too hard

i should just move on, they say

i should just let go

the way you did that night with her

despite every lie you told

i wish i were as cold as you

when you wake up every morning

is it her on your mind baby?

when you flash that smile at her

does she understand the depth?

call me fucking crazy, but

i still hope you're happy

'cause

it happened in one night

i melted at those green eyes

you took everything away from me

all my effort was in you

yeah, we said three words too early on

drove you around inside my car

we'd fight until we'd cry

make up, break up, bleed it out

i loved you too hard

i miss you too far

starting over.

Too scared to read over my last blogs.
We got back together, broke up again, got back together again... the cycle continued.
Until on what would have been our year anniversary, he met another girl. And immediately jumped into a relationship with her.
This was a month ago.
They are together, and they say they are happy, and already appear extremely serious.

I have not heard from him.
The ending was very bad due to my own crazy actions.
I have been stalking her Facebook, hoping to see any aspect of his new life, praying she's a rebound and they will not work out.
Yesterday I finally opted to delete that Facebook (she has me blocked on my main account). I am trying so hard not to reopen the account to look.
Because no matter what I do, I know we were unhappy, and she makes him happy now.

I was miserable with him and I am miserable without him.
He has deleted me off of all social media, except for Skype. We are both constantly logged on to Skype.
It is my last remaining connection to him.
It is the last thread I can't cut.

I miss him every single day, but I am not allowing myself to contact him again.
It is different this time. He has a new love. He will not be coming back.

Regardless of me praying that he will miss me when he sees I am happy without him, I know this time is different.
He is a smart man and realizes we were not going to work.
Yet it still astounds me how rushed his new relationship is. But his friends say he is happy. And she seems beyond happy.

There is nothing I can do.
And there is nothing more I can say.
So from here on out, this blog is about me. Not about my ex's.
Because there is a version of me that exists without a man in my life, and it is something better than this.

Too Out Of Touch To Touch You

We got back together a couple of weeks after my last post. We broke up again a couple of weeks afterwards.

It has been a little over a month since then. This time was different than the last. He no longer loves me. I have convinced him to continue hanging out with me and sleeping with me. He makes it clear his mind is made up and he does not want to get back together, so I've learned not to bring up my emotions with him. He says he enjoys hanging out with me and still cares about me, but not enough to be in a relationship. 

Yet we are not fighting. And the things we used to fight over are so insignificant now. I see so much immaturity in how I acted when I was with him. I have learned so much.

But does the not fighting feel even worse than the fighting? 

Yeah. Sort of. I am unhappy either way.

I know it's over but I keep trying to act like everything is ok. 

I know the problem is rooted deeper than this relationship. I know I have things to work on.

But now I may be pregnant because of my own stupid decision. I want to keep him close until I know.

I want to keep him close for as long as I can... and I am delaying progress in my own life because of it.

Already posting pictures on Facebook to make him miss me...

Texted him again. He tells me to do my thing and have fun tonight, and I need to leave him be.

I cry to every male I have for some sort of advice that makes me happy. One says he cares but it hurts him. And that we both need the space. 

I type this words, I read them, I've been here before.

Why do I let it happen again?

Why am I doomed to live this repetitive lifestyle?

I love him. I wish he'd come back. At the surface, that is.

But underneath my surface emotions of loneliness and hurt and despair, I want us to have the space.

I just want the space to bring us back together.

There I go again.

Help.

Can't Turn Back Now, I'm Haunted

Going back and forth between hopeful, hysterical, and numb.

I don't feel like typing any of my feelings out. Right now I'm in a state of just really not caring about anything.

Work is my reason to wake up. Minutes pass and I'm surviving because I'm occupied at work.

I'm going out drinking tonight. Hopefully will have fun.

But this morning I texted him. And I said I didn't want to lose him again, we could still be close without seeing each other or having a title, blah blah. He brushed me off but still ended the conversation with an "I love you".

He wants to be alone. At this current moment in time, I do too.

But I get scared as soon as I feel like I am really losing him.

I still don't know if I really want to move on or if I want this to be a break until I figure this out.

I loved him so much. He's my best friend.

I am repetitive. Right now, I am exhausted. As is he.

I don't care right now

I don't care

You Only Know You Love Her When You Let Her Go

I reread all of my past blogs in order.

This most recent ex treated me far better. We had some really bad times, but he loved me, and I knew he did.

But I can't help but feel like maybe I just never fully healed from the one before.

And I'm texting and harassing again, but I don't want to make him as exhausted as my ex before. I want him back but only if he wants to come back.

I don't know my goal right now. To survive? To get him back? To move on?

Really, I know it's to try to just be ok right now until he comes back. And I see that I have so much hope for this because the ex from before did come back, and only finally left when I told him I was in a new relationship.

But he came back. Throughout all the destructive fighting and unhappiness, he came back. I texted him tonight to ask why he came back, but we're not really friends and I just seem weird, so I'm sure he won't answer (he rarely has when I try to maintain a friendship with him).

I don't feel like writing. I'm not sure if this is because I'm actually tired of doing this to myself, or if I'm in denial still.

We'll see. I will keep up this time.

Back here again

I reread my last blog. Funny, a couple weeks later the guy that was seemingly only interested in my friends became my boyfriend. And we said "I love you" in weeks. And I spent all of my time with him, and we texted every day, and I fell so hard.

We broke up on New Years Eve.

We had broken up a couple times already, but this time was real. I broke him. I made him so sick of our relationship that all he wants is to be alone now.

Why did I not learn my lesson the last time? I was mean and made him feel bad about himself and we fought all the time over everything and nothing. But he treated me so much better than my last ex. He really did. And I loved him so much.

I still love him. I want him back and I'm texting and driving him crazy as he is pulling away from me, fast.

I feel like the same person I was after the last breakup. I feel like I am not a good girlfriend. But I don't want to work on myself. I don't want to be without him. I feel like last time I wanted to move on but couldn't, and this time I simply just do not want to move on at all.

My last ex came back eventually. Will this one? Probably not. But I can tell my hopes are up. This one was my boyfriend and my best friend. I want to keep him as my best friend and pray he falls back in love with me.

I'm typing all of this and I feel empty. I've been here before. I have yet to experience life on my own. I'm seeing the pattern of me dating a guy, pushing him until he leaves, and then I lose my mind. When will I learn? 

When will I stop hurting this time?