The Highway Don't Care If You're All Alone

I've been crying on and off for hours. So tired of crying again.

My ex texted me today in response to something I sent a couple days ago that I guess he just got. We kind of talked about dating again, but he said it didn't seem like I wanted to, and it led to a big fight. He brought up more than once how he "left me". That he is exhausted and we need to just let it go. I said mean things again. Last thing he said is maybe things would make sense if I weren't so back and forth.

He eventually stopped responding. Again. Even though I sent him like ten text messages.

I feel like he just dumped me again.

He makes me feel so, so useless. And worthless. And as if I don't deserve to be treated special or loved by a man.

I didn't message him first. I was good.

Maybe he really meant it this time. Maybe he really does want to let it go this time. He hasn't said that in a while.

We fight so much and we aren't even together.

I just want to lay around and cry and listen to sad music. I feel physical pain in my chest.

I bet he is drinking or with his friends or I don't even know, but he isn't responding to me.

How can he claim to care about me but not even respond to some text messages that were me confessing how much pain I am in?

... My Dad just walked in and got all mad when he saw me crying and I said I didn't want to talk about it.

My best friends don't really talk to me.

I have never felt so alone in my entire life.

I really am trying to use this time to build myself up, though. To be able to be strong on my own.

I am surviving. I don't need anybody.

I don't need "friends". I don't need my ex.

I only need myself.

Only I can make myself happy.

Allow yourself to grieve.

I think I feel better now after that cry.

Guess my counselor is right. I need to set aside a little time to grieve sometimes.

It's just so sad. I guess I told my ex that he provides me with nothing beneficial. And the other night I told him I am better off without him.

I just hurt his feelings a lot and I know it. Then I feel bad for him. Then I feel that I did wrong. So the cycle continues.

I miss him, I do. But he makes me so goddamn miserable. When we're together, when we're not together, just all the time. We are both fucking miserable.

Things have gotta change. We are making things worse for each other.

I don't know if he'll ever message me back. Or message me again.

But that means he doesn't care anymore then, or maybe he is just strong enough to realize it's time for him to let go. Because every time I am ready, he's the one that messages me.

I'm ready to let go.

I feel as if I'm about to cry again.

I will not message him today. I will not message him tomorrow. Or the day after. Because all it is doing is hurting us both.

I might get lonely but I guess I will try to keep myself busy for now. I will replace the habit of my ex with new habits. That's all it is. I am replacing a habit.

I will probably be sad for the rest of the day.

But I really need to study for my final now. I will try to stay busy and optimistic.

... And I am forgiving myself right now for saying I will move on for the 1,000,001 time. :)

typing this title, i am crying so much i can't see anything

It's Mother's Day and I have my biggest final tomorrow and I went out all weekend, but I don't care about anything but my ex.

I am really holding back tears right now.

I hate him. He makes me hate myself.

He only texts me when he's bored at work.

I drunk texted him last night and he was at a party and wasn't really answering. I guess I sort of harassed him and called him and eventually, come four in the morning, he said I could come over.

But then he said he was drunk and was going to try to have sex with me (even though I've told him a million times I won't have sex again until I am in a relationship) and we got in a fight and it ended I guess with me saying some really mean things.

He stopped answering my calls and hasn't answered the messages I've sent him this morning.

I'm tired of doing this to myself.

And even though I guess he cares enough about me to still talk to me even after I put him through all this as his ex-girlfriend, he still is such an asshole. 

All he wants from me is sex. I don't think he ever cared about me really much at all.

Crying now.

I really wish I could go back in time and have never dated him.

And at the same time, with today being Mother's Day, I still feel really bad and want to see him because his mom is dead.

I say this a million times and have gone back on it every time, but I want to move on. Maybe I need to keep pushing him away so he doesn't contact me again and I just forget him.

But then it will be on bad terms. And I'll still be sad he didn't care enough to win me back.

He just wants sex.

He just wants sex.

I need to keep reminding myself of that.

I'm so stupid.

It's A Great Day To Be Alive

Just got back from my fourth? appointment with my counselor.

I am trying to type fast so I can get everything down and look back for reference.

Today was a lot of lecturing (sort of) from her. She believes she is doing for me what my mother was not around to do.

She thinks I need to work on boundaries. Within myself and for others.

And on being assertive. Not passive-aggressive, or aggressive, just assertive.

I am developing and figuring out what I want. I have a voice. I need to use it.

Communication is very important.

Stability is important. Family can provide stability.

I need to work on forgiving myself still. Forgiveness comes through making changes. Not continuing the pattern of cheating. Not making the same mistakes.

Life is learning.

Having feelings and thoughts I can't entirely control is alright. I will feel these things. Time will heal things.

It is okay to not be okay.

I just need to limit some of these feelings. I can feel them, but not always act on them.

I think I got everything.

Really, I need to work on my values and beliefs still. Exploring my religion.

The next step is also make change (not resist it so much) and discover some interests. Cooking, sewing, bowling... something. Group settings will also help. She suggested group settings.

Dating is also alright. But I should not date my ex if I do not feel ready.

I should not be in a serious relationship for a while.

Guess that will be all for this entry. Learned a lot today. I just need to retain these things.

I will see her in a couple weeks. School is taking up a lot of my time. Work is a distraction, but a necessary one.

I will continue working on myself. Not fixing. Just developing.

Oh, last thing. We talked a lot about my mother today. My counselor feels a relationship with her is necessary. I do not have to be ready for it yet. But eventually I will need it. I will eventually have to be assertive and tell her how I feel so we can move past them, even if she does not necessarily realize it is I who does not really want the relationship with her.

something a little unusual tonight.

I'm supposed to be studying for a test tomorrow. Or sleeping.

But I feel it is time for me to finally address sexuality.

My ex and I fought a lot because he wanted to have sex and I did not. With him, I feel like it is a priority.

Do I think it is a priority?

... Not really, I suppose. I think it helps make a relationship healthy. But should it be necessary? Can't love just be enough?

I also used to be really ashamed about the amount of men I have slept with. I thought having sex meant you didn't respect yourself or your body.

I don't really believe that anymore. I don't think there's anything wrong with exploring sexually.

If I am to remain Christian, however, I'm preeeettttty sure sex before marriage is a sin. And sleeping with lots of men you don't care about would be considered wrong in that aspect. (I do agree that there becomes a time when too many is a problem).

I think masturbation is now healthy, and not disgusting. I purchased a vibrator for myself about a month ago. Do I use it all that often? No. But I have.

Yet, I watched a couple different pornography's tonight and just felt awkward. It really was kind of gross. I was definitely not turned on by strangers. It makes me kind of sad that I'm sure my ex (and most assuredly, other ex-boyfriends) can watch that and masturbate to it. Well, not sad. I don't know. It's just weird. I don't understand guys, ha,

I'm probably weird though. I'd rather look at hentai than real pornography. Is this wrong?

Is publicizing my sexuality wrong? Maybe I should make this private.

It's just never been something I've been comfortable with discussing, until recently.

And my beliefs and values have got to involve sexuality, right?

I don't think I want to start sleeping with new people. I don't really want to sleep with my ex again, either. I guess I just want to experiment with myself for now.


...I am seriously fucked (no pun intended) for my exam tomorrow.

I Don't Wanna Dream Of You Ever Again

I told my ex last night that I don't want him in my life anymore.

He responded with "wow why". I didn't answer. He hasn't messaged me again.

I don't know if this means we're moving on for real this time or if it's another joke. I just keep thinking about how he's not the same person he was. And even then, he still pressured me to have sex before I was ready in the beginning.

I just keep saying the same shit. I don't know what else I can say to motivate myself to let go of him.

I just know us getting back together wouldn't work. And keeping him in my life isn't even making me happy. I don't think it makes him happy either.

I just need to keep reminding myself that I don't need him. And he isn't offering me anything to stick around for.

Knowing my friend attempted suicide over a short relationship she had with a total asshole makes me wonder if I look just as stupid as she does to other people.

I Got Lost In This Whole World And Forgot Who I Am

Haven't been writing again. Just haven't wanted to. Not sure why.

I saw my counselor on Wednesday. She said it seemed like I had made a lot of progress.

But it doesn't feel like it today.

My ex and I are still talking. He texts me less. I text him more. I hate it. He doesn't care when I'm upset unless it involves him.

My counselor says it sounds like he wants to control me. He said last night he hopes we will get back together one day after things change.
I don't want that. I want to not feel for him anymore. All it does is hurt.

School is winding down. I'm really stressing out. I have a lot of tests coming up (finals), and have a lot of homework and projects to finish up.

And I signed up for a really hard Summer class.

I require motivation. I need to dispose of distractions.

It sucks to focus more on school than myself, but school is so important to who I will become.

... I was going to end this entry here with "pray for me". Unfortunately, I've recently been doubting my religion.

Hope for me that I can begin to believe in myself again. Hope that I can believe in something.