something a little unusual tonight.

I'm supposed to be studying for a test tomorrow. Or sleeping.

But I feel it is time for me to finally address sexuality.

My ex and I fought a lot because he wanted to have sex and I did not. With him, I feel like it is a priority.

Do I think it is a priority?

... Not really, I suppose. I think it helps make a relationship healthy. But should it be necessary? Can't love just be enough?

I also used to be really ashamed about the amount of men I have slept with. I thought having sex meant you didn't respect yourself or your body.

I don't really believe that anymore. I don't think there's anything wrong with exploring sexually.

If I am to remain Christian, however, I'm preeeettttty sure sex before marriage is a sin. And sleeping with lots of men you don't care about would be considered wrong in that aspect. (I do agree that there becomes a time when too many is a problem).

I think masturbation is now healthy, and not disgusting. I purchased a vibrator for myself about a month ago. Do I use it all that often? No. But I have.

Yet, I watched a couple different pornography's tonight and just felt awkward. It really was kind of gross. I was definitely not turned on by strangers. It makes me kind of sad that I'm sure my ex (and most assuredly, other ex-boyfriends) can watch that and masturbate to it. Well, not sad. I don't know. It's just weird. I don't understand guys, ha,

I'm probably weird though. I'd rather look at hentai than real pornography. Is this wrong?

Is publicizing my sexuality wrong? Maybe I should make this private.

It's just never been something I've been comfortable with discussing, until recently.

And my beliefs and values have got to involve sexuality, right?

I don't think I want to start sleeping with new people. I don't really want to sleep with my ex again, either. I guess I just want to experiment with myself for now.


...I am seriously fucked (no pun intended) for my exam tomorrow.