typing this title, i am crying so much i can't see anything

It's Mother's Day and I have my biggest final tomorrow and I went out all weekend, but I don't care about anything but my ex.

I am really holding back tears right now.

I hate him. He makes me hate myself.

He only texts me when he's bored at work.

I drunk texted him last night and he was at a party and wasn't really answering. I guess I sort of harassed him and called him and eventually, come four in the morning, he said I could come over.

But then he said he was drunk and was going to try to have sex with me (even though I've told him a million times I won't have sex again until I am in a relationship) and we got in a fight and it ended I guess with me saying some really mean things.

He stopped answering my calls and hasn't answered the messages I've sent him this morning.

I'm tired of doing this to myself.

And even though I guess he cares enough about me to still talk to me even after I put him through all this as his ex-girlfriend, he still is such an asshole. 

All he wants from me is sex. I don't think he ever cared about me really much at all.

Crying now.

I really wish I could go back in time and have never dated him.

And at the same time, with today being Mother's Day, I still feel really bad and want to see him because his mom is dead.

I say this a million times and have gone back on it every time, but I want to move on. Maybe I need to keep pushing him away so he doesn't contact me again and I just forget him.

But then it will be on bad terms. And I'll still be sad he didn't care enough to win me back.

He just wants sex.

He just wants sex.

I need to keep reminding myself of that.

I'm so stupid.