Already posting pictures on Facebook to make him miss me...

Texted him again. He tells me to do my thing and have fun tonight, and I need to leave him be.

I cry to every male I have for some sort of advice that makes me happy. One says he cares but it hurts him. And that we both need the space. 

I type this words, I read them, I've been here before.

Why do I let it happen again?

Why am I doomed to live this repetitive lifestyle?

I love him. I wish he'd come back. At the surface, that is.

But underneath my surface emotions of loneliness and hurt and despair, I want us to have the space.

I just want the space to bring us back together.

There I go again.

Help.

Can't Turn Back Now, I'm Haunted

Going back and forth between hopeful, hysterical, and numb.

I don't feel like typing any of my feelings out. Right now I'm in a state of just really not caring about anything.

Work is my reason to wake up. Minutes pass and I'm surviving because I'm occupied at work.

I'm going out drinking tonight. Hopefully will have fun.

But this morning I texted him. And I said I didn't want to lose him again, we could still be close without seeing each other or having a title, blah blah. He brushed me off but still ended the conversation with an "I love you".

He wants to be alone. At this current moment in time, I do too.

But I get scared as soon as I feel like I am really losing him.

I still don't know if I really want to move on or if I want this to be a break until I figure this out.

I loved him so much. He's my best friend.

I am repetitive. Right now, I am exhausted. As is he.

I don't care right now

I don't care

You Only Know You Love Her When You Let Her Go

I reread all of my past blogs in order.

This most recent ex treated me far better. We had some really bad times, but he loved me, and I knew he did.

But I can't help but feel like maybe I just never fully healed from the one before.

And I'm texting and harassing again, but I don't want to make him as exhausted as my ex before. I want him back but only if he wants to come back.

I don't know my goal right now. To survive? To get him back? To move on?

Really, I know it's to try to just be ok right now until he comes back. And I see that I have so much hope for this because the ex from before did come back, and only finally left when I told him I was in a new relationship.

But he came back. Throughout all the destructive fighting and unhappiness, he came back. I texted him tonight to ask why he came back, but we're not really friends and I just seem weird, so I'm sure he won't answer (he rarely has when I try to maintain a friendship with him).

I don't feel like writing. I'm not sure if this is because I'm actually tired of doing this to myself, or if I'm in denial still.

We'll see. I will keep up this time.

Back here again

I reread my last blog. Funny, a couple weeks later the guy that was seemingly only interested in my friends became my boyfriend. And we said "I love you" in weeks. And I spent all of my time with him, and we texted every day, and I fell so hard.

We broke up on New Years Eve.

We had broken up a couple times already, but this time was real. I broke him. I made him so sick of our relationship that all he wants is to be alone now.

Why did I not learn my lesson the last time? I was mean and made him feel bad about himself and we fought all the time over everything and nothing. But he treated me so much better than my last ex. He really did. And I loved him so much.

I still love him. I want him back and I'm texting and driving him crazy as he is pulling away from me, fast.

I feel like the same person I was after the last breakup. I feel like I am not a good girlfriend. But I don't want to work on myself. I don't want to be without him. I feel like last time I wanted to move on but couldn't, and this time I simply just do not want to move on at all.

My last ex came back eventually. Will this one? Probably not. But I can tell my hopes are up. This one was my boyfriend and my best friend. I want to keep him as my best friend and pray he falls back in love with me.

I'm typing all of this and I feel empty. I've been here before. I have yet to experience life on my own. I'm seeing the pattern of me dating a guy, pushing him until he leaves, and then I lose my mind. When will I learn? 

When will I stop hurting this time?