You Had Me Crawling For You Honey, And It Never Would've Gone Away

Crying hysterically again. Can barely breathe. Back at the beginning, I guess.

Me and my ex were talking every day and I knew it was a bad idea. I just knew it.

And today I told him I thought we needed distance so we could move on. It seemed to upset him and then he just seemed fine with it. It got me upset. It turned into a fight. A really, really ugly fight.

I said a lot of horribly terrible things that he just stopped responding to.

I think I knew I had to make him hate me to get us to stop talking so I could heal.

I didn't want it to come to this.

Why couldn't he have just never left me? Why did he want to hold on to me if he didn't want me back?

He's got to hate me now.

It's really, truly over. I couldn't end it before it got ugly.

I don't think there's any good memories left. No good feelings left to feel.

We had to hate each other to let go.

And it is hurting me so, so bad.

title to be added later

Doing this on my phone. I will have to come back and clean this up a little later.

my values:
love
creativity
talent
beauty
ambition
kindness
smpathy/empathy
loyalty
independence
willingness to learn
willingness to forgive
lives of animals
honesty

things i appear to value but am not necessarily proud of:
appearing to others as if I am strong
how i appear to others in general
outer beauty
alcohol
myself
dead relationships
pretending
money

'Cause Everybody Burns And When It Starts To Hurt, I Cry

I have so much to work on in myself and I really need to start focusing on that.

I want to stop being so angry when people say something not so nice to me.

I want to stop taking other people's words to heart.

I want to stop being concerned with anybody's life except my own.

I want to stop acting so immaturely.

I want to stop allowing other people's words and actions to effect me so heavily.

I just need to be more secure with myself, I guess.

I don't really want to explain anything. Even though I'm supposed to be able to do that on here.

I guess I'll just admit, I got accused of something via an online message regarding people I thought were my friends. I became furious and said a lot of things I already regret.

Things are gonna be a little weird for me for a while.

I really want to quit my job. But I know I'm more mature than that. And I hold more responsibility than that.

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Yeah.

Mama Always Told Me That I Should Play Nice, She Didn't Know You When She Gave Me That Advice

More bad news.

Friday night I drunk texted my ex. He told me to come over at about two in the morning. He said he missed me, we didn't have to have sex, and he just wanted me to lay with him.

But as soon as I got there he couldn't stop touching me (sexually). He got upset. Said it seemed like I was over him already. Got his feelings hurt saying I must not be attracted to him anymore. That I just wanted a warm body to lay beside. I mostly agreed with all of these statements.

We fought until we fell asleep. The next morning he woke up late and then tried to have sex with me. I told him I did not want to have sober sex with him, he got snappy, he hurried out.

He texted me later apologizing [only] for snapping at me.

Then, last night, I drunk texted again. He said he missed me [too] and wished I didn't have to be drunk to have sex with him.

I kept texting him all night and alerted him when other men were hitting on me.

This morning he texted me three times before I woke up. I texted back saying I didn't do anything with other men. And that I was sorry and just wanted him to know I really didn't do anything last night and that I was thinking about him.

He just stopped responding.

I am ashamed of my actions. I am immature. I am making dumb decisions.

But what upsets me most is I am alright now. And I feel fine without him. But then I still keep in contact with him.

And then it upsets me that he seems to just only want me for sex. Our relationship seems so shallow and so one-sided. Like we just used each other to fill what we needed.

I know he cares. Or maybe just cared, now. I know I care... or maybe just cared, now.

We're familiar and comfortable with each other to a certain extent. We're still barely holding on.

I keep making the same mistakes. Any person who reads this will shake their head and think how stupid I am being.

I just have my own way of moving on.

I think it's finally getting to the point where we will both let go. The break-up itself was only the beginning of the end. It's getting closer and closer to the end of the end.

I'm proud of myself for not having sex with him.

If You Stay Forever, Hey

Argh. I haven't been writing.

Well, my ex and I have been talking a lot. :/

He invited me over last night. So I went. But it just was not the same. He kept touching me (not in a cute way) and I just was not into it.

And when I asked if he wanted to go to bed, his reply was "will you have sex with me?"

We fought. I left.

I told my coworker and she said it sounds like I'm over him. That makes me very happy.

But then why do we keep talking? Why do I not just say goodbye?

He's made it clear he's not attempting to get back with me. But he's said he still cares and "likes me" and wants to stay close to me.

I believe when he says that. But I also believe he wants to keep having sex with me.

We're moving on. Just in a weird way, I guess.

I'm going out tonight. It's nice to not be secluding myself.

I just need to stop texting my ex.

I Just Wanna Feel This Moment

Second appointment with counselor today. Wasn't as much to say.

She did say to continue thinking of my values and beliefs.

I have an assignment to visit the animal shelter and ask how to volunteer there.

She also suggested I start talking to some females in my classes or trying to make female friends my age. And that I should try cooking or playing frisbee golf!

I felt stupid. I didn't know how to tell her I want to try new things and discover myself, but I just really lack motivation and prefer to just come home and be online.

I guess it's time I try some new things. I really need to stop being afraid, or apathetic, or whatever it is and put myself in a new situation.

We'll see how it goes!

I Drive Your Truck

We have been texting.

I text him mostly drunk. Last night he said he was done if I did anything with another guy.

Today he texted out of the blue saying he worries about me all the time and to be safe.

Then he later made me promise I am not seeing other men.

I find myself thinking about him a lot again. I want to talk to him. I miss him.

I'm not crying or being hysterical or anything. I enjoy that we still care for each other. We seem to be on good terms.

It's just making it harder to move on. I need to stop saying "give it a couple days" and instead not think about talking to him in the future at all.

I'm doing well. Just some minor setbacks.

... Hopefully only minor.

Maybe It Took Me Way Too Long To Leave

I woke up about about ten o' clock this morning after over ten hours of sleep. It's a beautiful day, and I feel refreshed.

So. I met with my new counselor the other day.

She was somewhat intimidating, but I overall did like her.

We discussed my family. And addiction. And how my biggest problem appears to be self-esteem.

She says I need to spend less time online. I am too busy watching other people live their own lives.

She also said to work on self-affirmations. When she looks at me, she sees somebody much greater than the person I see.

It is also apparent that I need to work on discovering who I am. I am immature and have lost myself due to constantly being in relationships.

I was told to begin with listing my values and beliefs. I am trying to think about it, but I fear maybe I am just too scared to dig down deep and really self-reflect.

My next appointment is Monday. I will hopefully have a list started by then.

My older sister is coming tonight. My father is buying us some beer (I'm only 20- he never is this cool!) and we will just be together as a family and talk. I am very excited.

Here is hoping to the start of a wonderful weekend.

I Can't Take It Any Longer, But My Will Is Getting Stronger

I am forcing myself to write today. I feel very worn down. Disappointed in myself. I want to seclude myself.

However, my counselor told me she wants me to keep blogging. Writing my thoughts and feelings. I will post a more positive entry exploring my first appointment with her, but this one is necessary first.

I got drunk last night. I went to my ex's house to have sex. But I knew I was going because I missed him. 

It is kind of hazy, but I remember telling him (out of nowhere) that I am dating other people (a lie). He kicked me out. I angrily left and he texted me immediately, fighting with me. I came back because I had forgotten my medication on the table. He pulled me inside and pushed me away from the door. He wanted me to stay.

Then we went to bed and he obviously was trying to force me to have sex with him, but I didn't want to. I was upset. So we just went to sleep.

We had sex in the morning. It was weird. He was not interested in me.

Then I texted him later today. I asked him if he was really that indifferent, he said yes, I told him he was like a stranger and a robot and I couldn't talk to him anymore. Then we bickered. Then I got emotional and told him a lot of personal things. He seemed upset.

I really do believe he still cares about me. He even said that it seemed like I was better off than he is. And last night, before I went over, I asked if he was sad. He said "all the time".

He seems conflicted sometimes. But also like he just wants sex, even though I asked him if that's all he wants and he said no.

I don't know if this is my way of getting closure or if I am still hanging on when I shouldn't, or both. I don't know if he is still not ready to let go or if he just wants to fuck me, or both.

I don't know when or if we will talk again.

I have no urge to text him.

I'm just sad.

Oh, yeah. At one point I told him I just can't have casual sex with him because right now it still means more to me. He responded with "what's wrong with it meaning something?"

Whoops,

Just wanted to note that I guess my post from yesterday had not been deleted. Not sure what I was thinking there.

I suppose I'm going to be out of it again today.

However, I will focus on school and music and myself.

I am not going to allow myself to fall back into that state of mind that he dragged me into.

I'm Not Ready To Make Nice

I posted something that seems to have been deleted. Not sure how that happened.

Recap, I guess:

My ex texted me yesterday asking if I hooked up with somebody over the weekend. I did not want to answer (proud of myself here), but four texts later, he insulted me and finally got me to respond. Then we bickered for a while, me claiming that it's none of his business what I do anymore and neither confirming nor denying anything, until he finally broke me down and I told him the truth (that I did not do anything with anybody else).

He then brought up my proposition I made last week in a drunken emotional state to be friends with benefits again. I asked if that was all he wanted, nothing more, and he says "for now".

I told him I need time to think about if I still want that. He asked if that meant I couldn't go over last night. I told him we have seen each other too much recently for people who have just broken up, and we need a few days apart before we agree to anything.

I should have just said no, I know I should have.

But why is it every single time I am really ready to let go, he is the one who contacts me? What does he want from me?

Is it a sign that I shouldn't let go? Or am I being tested here by a higher power?

I am proud of myself for not jumping at the chance to see him last night. I am proud of myself for not immediately saying yes.

I'm not really considering doing it again. I know it's not in my best interests at all.

However, I am making a mistake by dragging it out. It means I'm still too scared to say goodbye completely.

I'm just glad I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow.

... I'm just so tired. Physically. Mentally. I'm exhausted.

Even On My Weakest days, I Get A Little Bit Stronger

Woke up this morning with a pain in my chest. Battled myself to not be upset.

Every minute has become a conscious effort to be happy in my own skin.

Then he texts me. Asking if I hooked up with somebody else. I ignored him until four more texts later when he sent a mean and hurtful text. We then bickered back and forth for a while until he wore me down and I told him the truth (that I did not do anything, even though it was none of his business). I opened up to him again, just for him to keep his walls up.

Why does he bother contacting me? What does he want from me?

... Why did I answer?

I just feel tired. 

One Week

Forgot to mention yesterday that one thing he told me is that he is angry. That I said too many hurtful things that he is not over. And when I asked if he still cared about me, he told me I was only asking to feed my ego.

I texted him a couple more times, the last message saying that I would like for him to text back saying he has no desire to get back with me or have me in his life. Still, no reply. My best friend says he didn't need to reply, as he has already told me he does not want to get back with me and shouldn't need to repeat himself again.

My goal now is to go a whole week without contacting him. Maybe if I can set a goal, it is easier to achieve success is not being obsessive. And then maybe after that week, I won't want to contact him again, anyway.

I have an appointment with a counselor on Wednesday. I hope they help me figure out why I can't let go, and why I jump from relationship to relationship and treat the ones I care about so badly.

Yesterday, my coworker mentioned that she is a lot like her father. I love my father, but he is not the nicest, most open and compassionate person. It makes me wonder if I also treat people the way I do because of my father and how I was raised. My coworker told me to break the cycle.

I do not feel confident today. I miss him again. I feel like crying. We have been broken up about a month now, and I still have made little to no progress in moving on.

I'm tired of being a fool.

I will try to make a conscious effort to be happy today. I just need to focus on this week.

it is a seemingly never-ending cycle for me.

Got drunk. Texted him. He let me go over.

he no longer wishes we could get back together over time. He still cares, but he doesn't trust me. He specifically said he doesn't want to put up with me. He thinks I can never change. I cried while he told me I will get over it. I told him how I felt while he said I may feel like that today, but he has no idea how I will feel tomorrow.

we had sex this morning.

He told me he didn't want to take advantage of me anymore and it wasn't fair to me, even though i initiate all sexual advances.

he really is sick of me and wants to move on.

so why do i still text him? What is wrong with me?

"Let Go and Let God"

setback today. sent him multiple text messages and got only a couple in return. basically what he said was he doesn't know what to believe, or think, and that he has a lot in his life to think about... and that i make him feel like shit.

naturally, i cried. i blame myself once again for why we broke up. i fear him hating me for the rest of my life, with the possibility of me never falling in love like that again.

then i remember that i have done this before. i have been in back to back relationships for six years. i have cheated or pursued other men in relationships before. my excuse now for all those things is i was young.

but i thought i had learned. i don't know why i did the things i did in my most recent relationship. i am out of excuses. all i know is i regret ever hurting him, and causing him to leave.

i also realize he is still hurting. i am only being selfish by repeatedly contacting him. he is letting go. things will never be the same, no matter how badly i want him to love me, he never will. my immaturity was much more of a problem than i ever realized before.

so maybe the problem this whole time is i have been focusing on my ex. or the other guy. i have been trying to figure out how to get my ex back, or move on, or i have been dwelling in all the problems instead of seeking solutions.

i need to focus on how to achieve inner peace. i must accept myself. force myself to me happy. forgive myself because i can't change any of it.

another day one. i hope this is the real first day of my journey to decide to be happy. my grieving process should have ended already. i just haven't allowed it to.

i must work on happiness within myself.

I should be studying for a test right now

Woke up sick this morning. Haven't really been able to eat since the last time I saw him.

Then I made the mistake of rereading e-mails from a couple weeks ago, ones that he blamed me in and said we'd still be together if I'd have never talked to the other guy.

Feeling really low again today. Hurting a lot. But on the bright side, I'm not necessarily missing him. Just still sort of grieving, I guess.

I will take it one day at a time. I was tempted to link him to a new issue of a comic we both read yesterday, but I didn't. I will not contact him today, either.

I don't know how much longer I can feel sad and heartbroken.... but it's got to end soon, right?

I can feel others getting tired of me talking about him and what we were and how I feel, as I'm doing it constantly. It's all I think about. It's consuming me.

I really do want to let go. I'm trying so hard.

Then I wonder how he's doing....

When You Are Not The Starring Role In Someone Else's Heart

I keep allowing myself to think about him and us and the last few times I saw him.

The word "indifferent" keeps replaying in my head. He told me he felt indifferent. Indifferent. Indifferent.

I'd almost rather him hate me.





God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference....

I'm definitely all sorts of emotional.

Woke up this morning and definitely had a pain in my chest, and churning in my stomach.

I haven't been eating much as of late. Today will be another day that I probably eat very little.

I guess I'm just missing him again today. Or I'm hurt because he never answered my e-mail or text messages.

I think maybe it scares me most to realize I may never speak to him again. Well, besides my terrifying fear that he doesn't miss me anymore. But I guess he can't miss me that much if he's still moving forward so much while I am stuck in yesterday.

I've got to accept how he feels and understand I can't change it.

I'm letting it go.

I won't hear from him today, or tomorrow, or anytime soon, probably.

And I will still wake up every morning.

... It's gonna be a tough day. :/

Also,

my dog is sleeping beside me right now with his little face looking up at me, and I have never had so much love and content in my heart as I do at this moment.

I'm probably bipolar, haha

I feel better again. I'm glad this episode was shorter.

Me and the other guy clearly will not be talking again.

My ex never answered me. I was going to send him some edible arrangements tomorrow, then I realized I was being stupid.

Look- progress!

I'm just letting it go. I hope the apology provided some sort of closure for him. I think today provided more closure for me.

I just pray he doesn't hate me. Or think badly of me. Or enjoy his life without me that much more.

But most of all, I hope he isn't hurting. I just want the best for him. Because I do truly love him.

And I love myself.

I am surviving just fine.

The Fault Is My Own

I sent my ex an e-mail regarding my new feelings. I feel stupid now. No answer again.

He knows why we broke up. We had already discussed that me talking to this other guy played a gigantic role.

I just.... I hadn't really fully acknowledged what I did wrong. I had been sorry for talking to this other guy. But I had never really apologized for developing feelings for him. I was too busy playing the victim, the dumpee.

I'm sure my own selfish reasons were involved in why I sent that e-mail apology. And then I made it worse by texting him and asking if he hated me, to which I also did not receive a reply to.

I don't know if he is mad, or indifferent, or hurt and truly desiring to initiate no contact.... regardless, there is nothing more to say.

Maybe I should not have sent the e-mail. It's kind of late for that. And we had parted last on a better note, which sucks even more now that I have ruined that good note.

But it's too late now. I already sent it. I already apologized. I already reminded him that I had been harboring feelings for somebody else.

I have to let it go. He probably already has.

I made mistakes. I don't know why I made them, but I did. And I'm hurting from them. But maybe I need to hurt.

At least I can laugh at myself. I see myself going in circles, swirling with emotions, doing stupid things. At least I know eventually this will stop. And I am working on myself.

I need to think more. Stop acting on impulse. Stop sending inappropriate texts and e-mails to my ex, even if I think he deserves to know my feelings. He doesn't need to know them, nor does he care to.

I feel like there is a gaping wound in my chest. I may no longer be crying, but I feel like I am hyperventilating.

Today is hard.

I just hope it is better tomorrow.

Crying In My Car Again

i am on my phone, so my capitalization and grammar will suffer. this post also will probably not match the rest of the page.

i just... i don't know. i deserve this, right? i made the mistake of allowing myself to have feelings for two different men at once.

just because i loved one more and eventually chose to focus on him alone does not mean my feelings entirely dissolved for the other guy.

i mistreated both of them. i was a terrible person.

so of course i deserve for the one i loved to already be saying he plans on dating in a couple of months. and of course i deserve for the other one i really liked to have found a new girlfriend in a month's time.

i brought this on my self.

but why am i so goddamn easily replaceable? 

this is my punishment. this is what follows what i have done. i hurt two different people with my own selfish actions.

i need to suck it up and take this. because i asked for it when i did what i did.

and i need to learn from this.

i just hope i don't regret my actions for the rest of my life.

Only Know You Love Her When You Let Her Go

Discovering new music and new movies today has kept my spirits lifted.

I really feel like I could just put all of my love for him on a boat and watch it sail away. Or I could blow my love into a balloon and let the balloon go. Or even throw every item he's given me into a bonfire and dance around it.

I feel like a bird, ready to spread my wings and just fly far, far away from him.

I am so ready and inspired to let him go.

I am sleeping in my bed tonight, alone (though not entirely since I have my adorable dog-child), and I am just  fine. Without him.

And I will continue thinking of him daily. And I will probably have a few setbacks.

But I have given him my kiss goodbye and have driven away from him. And this time, I will keep driving. No looking back.

I will keep listening to these relatable songs. Although they are sad, they are real and honest and truthful and they speak to my heart.

I will probably cry some more, as I have today, but behind these tears also reveals a smile.

There really is so much beauty in walking away.

My heart still swells at the fact that I love him so much. My heart could really burst at how much I wanted it to work.

However, we did not work. I only hope one day fate will present itself and bring us back together again, one way or another.

"But life is complicated. and you never know what's gonna happen.....but if it's meant to be, it'll be, and if it's not, it won't."

"And I don't know what i'm doing. And I think if I had it all figured out, I would be doing something wrong. Because I think it makes it so that you can't grow. And you have to be confused in life or else you won't grow."

I embrace the confusion. I open my heart up to love again; to love myself this time. I admit defeat to my ever-failing quest of trying to control everything in my life.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing, or what on earth is going to happen in my life. It's scary and beautiful at the same time.

And I am alright with this.

We Never Made It, You Hesitated

I stayed with him last night. I told him it would be the last time. He told me his friends were pushing him to do no contact.

I feel as if this morning was the last time I will ever see him.

Hearing his stories of his friends pushing him to move past me makes me acknowledge how lost he is in that other opinions influence his so heavily.

Hearing him say how he has been getting drunk and "doesn't know what he feels anymore" shows me how broken he is.

And I am very well aware of how broken I am.

Even if we care for each other, we are far too damaged to work together.

This needs to happen.

I just need to stop wishing that after a period of time, we will work for each other.

I need to say goodbye to these feelings. I need to be the one pushing no contact. He says it is alright to contact him and I may see him again, if I ever need him. But he does not ever contact me first. He is moving on in a much different speed (and fashion) than I am, yet he still obviously cares and is mature enough to not act on those feelings anymore. I need to be strong and show I don't need him anymore, either. Show him I can be independent.

I need to show myself that I can be alone. That I can let go. That I can still love somebody without needing them in my life, and then eventually that I can move on from loving that person.

Typing this is a gigantic relief and release. It hurts. I feel like I am losing him again. But I have to remind myself he has already been lost.

And that being with him, and chasing him after he left, has caused me to lose myself.

Today is the real day one. Today is the day I accept that my past relationship with him is over. Today is the day I truly begin the journey to rediscover and love myself.

Today will mark the day that I really begin to succeed in no contact, and moving on.

Feeling It All Over Again

I made a mistake in allowing us to stay close. I am right back at staying up until 5 in the morning, wishing he'd answer my texts or call me back.

He says it is alright to ask to come over, and then does not reply when I do ask.

Why do I keep asking? What am I expecting?

Now here I am again, crying and missing him, instead of sleeping. It's been a month and I haven't moved on at all.

When does it end? When can I stop thinking about him constantly? Why doesn't he think about me anymore? The thoughts just never stop coming. I never stop thinking about him, I never stop wanting him, for any second of the day.

I'm losing everything. I'm losing myself.

God, please, just make these feelings stop. I just want to be over all of it so badly.

When is it enough?

When will I get tired of this game?

I can see it is finally coming to an end.

It's like he is a stranger. And I am just holding so hard onto every little piece that remains of the man I loved and the relationship we had.

I am accepting every tiny bit of empty love he is willing to offer. I am begging for it.

He is breaking my heart and then sticking around in an attempt to heal me. And I love it and hate it at the same time.

I'm embarrassing myself and hating myself for it. I'm even starting to kind of become numb to the entire thing, as I cry a significantly less amount.

I thought I had reached my breaking point. I obviously have not. I know what I'm doing, but I keep doing it.

When will my will be strong enough to just let go?

When To Delete The Memories

After writing my first blog, and taking some time to play with my dog, I already feel much better.

Yet, I keep rereading old emails. I have deleted his phone number and all the text messages already. I still have the pictures.

When is it okay to delete everything? Should I delete everything?

I still have all the pictures from every relationship I've ever had. I always thought it to be alright to keep them..... but on the other hand, I do have a problem of thinking of all of my ex's quite regularly.

Does deleting all the evidence of my relationships make it better? Or should I be able to keep the pictures as memories?

I guess it's time to Google some answers to these questions. :P

I'll update more later. It already appears as if I will update quite often.

The Beginning

I am not entirely sure for my reasons behind creating this blog. I do own a personal journal, but I suppose I may feel as if having to take the time to physically write my feelings down stifles my thinking process.

I am not that interesting. I am not that wise. I do expect any readers of this blog.

However, I do want to write. I need to start documenting my feelings. Why?

Because I am going through the motions of a break-up and am finally ready to move on. I no longer want to think of him all day long and mention his name excessively to my friends, family, and coworkers. I am tired of moping. I am still sad. I don't know when this will change. But, I have accepted that it is time to let go. And I feel as if keeping track of how I feel on a daily basis will eventually lead to me recognizing progress and feeling alright.

If anybody does stumble across this blog, I am only twenty years old. I am young. I have so much life to live. I know you will be thinking all of these things, and I agree. However, it does not make the pain of loving somebody who left me disappear any quicker.

I am thankful to have fallen in love. I am thankful to have learned. I am thankful that for once I am walking away from this break-up with dignity (I've never been able to do so with past relationships).

Today, I woke up missing him. I was fighting the urge to contact him. But I must remember, that he did not respond to me last time, even after saying he was second guessing his decision to end our relationship. I especially need to remember that if he truly loved and appreciated me, he would never make me park streets down and walk just to have sex with him.

This pain will subside. I miss him because I love him. But I must respect myself enough to begin the process of falling out of love. I will no longer contact him. I will no longer allow myself to mope around. I have accepted that we are done and I will be alright without him.

My name is Emlee Laine, and this is my journey.