I am forcing myself to write today. I feel very worn down. Disappointed in myself. I want to seclude myself.
However, my counselor told me she wants me to keep blogging. Writing my thoughts and feelings. I will post a more positive entry exploring my first appointment with her, but this one is necessary first.
I got drunk last night. I went to my ex's house to have sex. But I knew I was going because I missed him.
It is kind of hazy, but I remember telling him (out of nowhere) that I am dating other people (a lie). He kicked me out. I angrily left and he texted me immediately, fighting with me. I came back because I had forgotten my medication on the table. He pulled me inside and pushed me away from the door. He wanted me to stay.
Then we went to bed and he obviously was trying to force me to have sex with him, but I didn't want to. I was upset. So we just went to sleep.
We had sex in the morning. It was weird. He was not interested in me.
Then I texted him later today. I asked him if he was really that indifferent, he said yes, I told him he was like a stranger and a robot and I couldn't talk to him anymore. Then we bickered. Then I got emotional and told him a lot of personal things. He seemed upset.
I really do believe he still cares about me. He even said that it seemed like I was better off than he is. And last night, before I went over, I asked if he was sad. He said "all the time".
He seems conflicted sometimes. But also like he just wants sex, even though I asked him if that's all he wants and he said no.
I don't know if this is my way of getting closure or if I am still hanging on when I shouldn't, or both. I don't know if he is still not ready to let go or if he just wants to fuck me, or both.
I don't know when or if we will talk again.
I have no urge to text him.
I'm just sad.
Oh, yeah. At one point I told him I just can't have casual sex with him because right now it still means more to me. He responded with "what's wrong with it meaning something?"
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