setback today. sent him multiple text messages and got only a couple in return. basically what he said was he doesn't know what to believe, or think, and that he has a lot in his life to think about... and that i make him feel like shit.
naturally, i cried. i blame myself once again for why we broke up. i fear him hating me for the rest of my life, with the possibility of me never falling in love like that again.
then i remember that i have done this before. i have been in back to back relationships for six years. i have cheated or pursued other men in relationships before. my excuse now for all those things is i was young.
but i thought i had learned. i don't know why i did the things i did in my most recent relationship. i am out of excuses. all i know is i regret ever hurting him, and causing him to leave.
i also realize he is still hurting. i am only being selfish by repeatedly contacting him. he is letting go. things will never be the same, no matter how badly i want him to love me, he never will. my immaturity was much more of a problem than i ever realized before.
so maybe the problem this whole time is i have been focusing on my ex. or the other guy. i have been trying to figure out how to get my ex back, or move on, or i have been dwelling in all the problems instead of seeking solutions.
i need to focus on how to achieve inner peace. i must accept myself. force myself to me happy. forgive myself because i can't change any of it.
another day one. i hope this is the real first day of my journey to decide to be happy. my grieving process should have ended already. i just haven't allowed it to.
i must work on happiness within myself.
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