The Fault Is My Own

I sent my ex an e-mail regarding my new feelings. I feel stupid now. No answer again.

He knows why we broke up. We had already discussed that me talking to this other guy played a gigantic role.

I just.... I hadn't really fully acknowledged what I did wrong. I had been sorry for talking to this other guy. But I had never really apologized for developing feelings for him. I was too busy playing the victim, the dumpee.

I'm sure my own selfish reasons were involved in why I sent that e-mail apology. And then I made it worse by texting him and asking if he hated me, to which I also did not receive a reply to.

I don't know if he is mad, or indifferent, or hurt and truly desiring to initiate no contact.... regardless, there is nothing more to say.

Maybe I should not have sent the e-mail. It's kind of late for that. And we had parted last on a better note, which sucks even more now that I have ruined that good note.

But it's too late now. I already sent it. I already apologized. I already reminded him that I had been harboring feelings for somebody else.

I have to let it go. He probably already has.

I made mistakes. I don't know why I made them, but I did. And I'm hurting from them. But maybe I need to hurt.

At least I can laugh at myself. I see myself going in circles, swirling with emotions, doing stupid things. At least I know eventually this will stop. And I am working on myself.

I need to think more. Stop acting on impulse. Stop sending inappropriate texts and e-mails to my ex, even if I think he deserves to know my feelings. He doesn't need to know them, nor does he care to.

I feel like there is a gaping wound in my chest. I may no longer be crying, but I feel like I am hyperventilating.

Today is hard.

I just hope it is better tomorrow.