We Never Made It, You Hesitated

I stayed with him last night. I told him it would be the last time. He told me his friends were pushing him to do no contact.

I feel as if this morning was the last time I will ever see him.

Hearing his stories of his friends pushing him to move past me makes me acknowledge how lost he is in that other opinions influence his so heavily.

Hearing him say how he has been getting drunk and "doesn't know what he feels anymore" shows me how broken he is.

And I am very well aware of how broken I am.

Even if we care for each other, we are far too damaged to work together.

This needs to happen.

I just need to stop wishing that after a period of time, we will work for each other.

I need to say goodbye to these feelings. I need to be the one pushing no contact. He says it is alright to contact him and I may see him again, if I ever need him. But he does not ever contact me first. He is moving on in a much different speed (and fashion) than I am, yet he still obviously cares and is mature enough to not act on those feelings anymore. I need to be strong and show I don't need him anymore, either. Show him I can be independent.

I need to show myself that I can be alone. That I can let go. That I can still love somebody without needing them in my life, and then eventually that I can move on from loving that person.

Typing this is a gigantic relief and release. It hurts. I feel like I am losing him again. But I have to remind myself he has already been lost.

And that being with him, and chasing him after he left, has caused me to lose myself.

Today is the real day one. Today is the day I accept that my past relationship with him is over. Today is the day I truly begin the journey to rediscover and love myself.

Today will mark the day that I really begin to succeed in no contact, and moving on.